As I mentioned in my last post, I figured out how to cable knit! Or at least, how to do that specific one: the chain cable.

It was a bit frustrating at times, and I had to ask for lots of help from friends and do research, I had to be patient with myself, I had to keep starting over, and I had to accept that my first cable would have lots of little errors in it.

zomg what does that sound like?

COULD IT BE THERAPY

I find it telling and maybe a little depressing that, even though I know that self regulation and boundaries and even joy are all learned skills like knitting, I won’t trust myself or the process.

I’ve only just taken up knitting, but I just KNEW that if I kept researching, trying again, asking for help, and starting again that it would eventually start looking more or less like a cable.

And yet I am still frustrated with myself for not being Over It by now, after six years of EMDR and therapy. I’m still frustrated with myself for not doing well, or as well as I think I should be doing by now. I feel like a piece of snarled up knitting that is torn and twisted beyond repair.

Beyond the fact that torn and twisted knitting has its own wild beauty and I work WORK THAT SHIT, my psyche has plenty of raw material to re-knit with.

Maybe the next time I act like a hurt Middle-schooler with my partner during a fight or the next time I feel the horrifying urge to hit my kid I can remind myself:

1. I’m working on it and can acknowledge I was being an ass very quickly after arguments
2. Feeling the urge isn’t DOING it
3. Unlearning bad coping and then learning new skills can take years

… and that my goal isn’t a smooth, perfect weave of a personality, anyway.