I dropped a stitch in the gauntlet literally as I was BINDING OFF, and my crochet hooks have mysteriously disappeared into the wilds of my cluttered and filthy home, so while I’m waiting for one to arrive to fix this ladder I have gone back to basics and I am just making a lap blanket from some lovely, unusual wool.

This is hand-dyed wool I bought from a much-loved friend, and I’m kitting with needles given to me by another dear friend, so I think of both of them as I knit. It’s an uneven yarn — thick and then thin and wound about with a thread, which means that as I knit (I am just doing the garter stitch on two skeins — that is ALL, and it is such a blissful experience for now), interesting patterns show themselves. The edge I cast on is scalloped, for instance. I’m so curious to see how the other end will turn out!

Also, although I’m doing a straight garter stitch, the blanket is already delightfully varied and nubbly in texture.

Going back to basics is very soothing. It has been a rough few days.

First, I wrote a difficult letter which is beyond the scope of this public blog but suffice it to say that it was punching the patriarchy in the nose to send it which should feel good but ALWAYS makes me feel like I am the one who transgressed by speaking the truth loudly because of my internalized sexism, and then I was scrolling through FB and suddenly came across a photo of my mother with her hands on my niblings: one hand specifically very very close to being wrapped around my niece’s neck. I felt as if I would vomit right there at my desk.

Luckily, I know about acupressure and knew just where to press on my wrist to prevent myself from vomiting. So I just shook and sweat for a while and pushed that spot for all I was worth and gasped for air.

Then I got home and had a massive fight with my partner (what were the odds), and then did something unhealthy that I am not terribly proud of, specifically to upset my partner.

Anyway it worked, I guess, because she got very upset? And I knew how much it would hurt because I am the child of alcoholics.

So I’m all cured and don’t need therapy anymore, is what I’m saying.

Anyway yesterday I needed some serious HEALTHY self soothing and sitting down with wonderful wool and needles and simply knit stitching over and over was just the ticket. I went to bed feeling much calmer.

Perhaps if I’d come home after my awful day and done that instead of the other thing? Next time.

To sum up: knitting > drinking, and I still have quite a ways to go in my healing process.